Because You Can't Have It All...and you damn well know it

Right now, I am supposed to be studying and doing homework. For some reason that only my never-ending quest for challenging myself can explain, I have decided to go for a difficult certification that is unlike any other I have received: polymer engineering. I am not sure what made me decide to go for this equivalent of a Master’s instead of something like an MBA, other than once a very humble but brilliant professor I worked with spoke to me about it; and it sounded fascinating and just stuck in the back of my mind. Almost 2 ½ years later, I have enrolled in my first class towards it and it is crazy challenging.  

But today, I am not focused on the above and I know I should be. This is a summer course and it moves fast, especially for me, since  the homework can take me 8-12 hours to complete, because I am constantly having to move back in time and refresh myself on past material  that I studied a long time ago to help me solve the problem(s) before me now. No today, I am very upset that I have allowed myself to ignore my body and lapse into months of half-assed healthy eating and sloppy works outs to the point to where my favorite pair of jeans no longer fit; and it hurts more because they were once loose. 

How could I have not noticed that this was happening? It took that and pictures of me dressed up to show me just how much I had overlooked this transition. That is the worst feeling to think you look good just to have a picture (which tells a thousand words) scream differently.  It took me to a place that was hard to shake off and even harder to smile just to have a pleasant conversation.  Why is it that I as a person who works hard to have an accomplished mind will crumble at the site of a bad picture or worse a revealing picture? 

 In fact, I was so upset, that I wanted to scream at all those around me: How could you not tell me that I was looking bigger? Why did you let me get this bad? But in fairness, how does one approach someone with that news and people, even your loved ones, have bigger things to tackle than your weight loss or gain.

Today, I am strategizing how I am going to get myself out of this rut. But that is not the only thing that is concerning me, my motherly role is too, but I will save that for another day to share. Today, all I know is that I am going to carve out some special time to spend with my daughters and make sure they know I love them and appreciate them. 

Today, I start sharing  my weight loss and individual struggles and realizations with you in a fresh, open, and honest way. I will put it out their the  Eastside way, my old neighborhood way: "who you think you are cause we both in the same hood-way".  Don't look for fakeness here. I do not think I am perfect nor do I not think anyone else is not matter what you post, flaunt, and talk loud for me to overhear. We all are living this life and it is not easy for anyone, but we can make it harder on ourselves really quickly and I know I can be dumb about dumb shit too. If you are looking for more than just Facebook fakeness, then you will probably find my shares more to your liking. 

At the end of the day, I just want to be the best I can be and appreciate my life as is. That can be hard to do. Don't ask me why. It just is. So, this blog will be about all of that and the above which is apart of keeping it real.